To Hug or Not to Hug?

'A hug provides complex responses that warm our heart and make us feel better.' 

As an Emotional Literacy Support Assistant and in my role supporting primary children and their teachers as they deal with bereavement and loss I have to admit it.

I'm a hugger!

38 years of working with children, often at the most devastating and difficult time in their short lives, has taught me that hugging is a must for many.

But not for all.

The important thing is to know how to read the situation. I find that a child's body language usually gives me the best indication as to whether or not they need a hug. That said, often children at primary school will tell me if they would rather not have a hug.

Even The Most Ardent Non-Hugger

If I see they are feeling fragile I usually ask them, 'Would you like a hug?' or 'Are you needing a hug?'. They usually answer honestly and back away or move forwards to hug me.

That said, sometimes all that is needed is a reassuring light arm hold, not quite a hug but sometimes enough to reassure even the most ardent non-hugger!

Remember, children are like adults in that some are huggers and others hate it*. You'll know that from your own circle of friends and family. Accidentally hug a non-hugger at a family gathering and you'll know what that feels like!

The key is being respectful of each child's wishes and being alert to their words and their body language.

What's more, in this way the child also feels listened to.

Liked and Loved, Warm and Settled

In situations where children actually come to me for a hug, then it is clear that they really need one.

Hugging will often help calm a child in need of a hug. It makes them feel liked and loved, warm and settled.

My experience working across nursery, pre-school, social care, infant, primary and secondary school tells me that for many children and young people, a hug offers comfort and shows understanding.

It can even be a confidence boost too, leaving that person feeling listened to and supported.  In terms of the physical technicalities of hugging, it is always best to alter your body position before a hug. this way you ensure a little less physical contact.

This helps you preserve your own personal space and addresses safeguarding concerns too.

I tend to leave a gap between us, but just enough to still manage to share a meaningful hug!

It Is Okay

Without words, a hug shows you care. It shows you are empathetic of their needs. And shows them that displaying emotion is okay.

Just like when an adult also sheds tears along with the child at a very sad situation, such as the death of a family member, it teaches the child that it is okay to express and share emotion.

A hug does that too.

But don't take my word for it.

Here is what the experts have to say about the many benefits of hugging in a piece entitled from Psychology Today entitled The Undeniable Power of a Simple Hug. 

Happy hugging (or holding back, as appropriate)!

* On this topic, Ginny Bootman, author Independent Thinking on Being a SENDCO suggests in an article for Teach Primary that 'we compartmentalise people into various hugging zones'. For example:

"We have the non-hugger – 'please don't hug me. I will not hug you back or thank you for a hug'. The reticent hugger – 'I would like a hug but I will not ask for one or initiate'. And finally the self-confessed huggers – these people hug because, well, pretty much just because hugging exists." [ITL]